Are you having a conversation, or only keeping up appearances?
Many moons ago I had a meeting with a financial advisor, which left us both perplexed.
It was offered as ‘helping young doctors plan for the future’. He was personable and friendly, he spent a great deal of time explaining the benefits of a personal pension to me (superannuation for the Aussies).
He asked a few token questions such as “You agree that planning for the future is important?” And “I assume that your financial stability is a priority?” I nodded politely.
It was very clear that he was building to a message, although I wasn’t clear what it was, until he said at last ”…And thats why I recommend that as a young doctor you arrange a private pension!”
Tada! He revealed the point of the conversation with a bright smile, clearly pleased with his delivery.
“I completely agree!” I beamed back. “Thats why I already have one!”
I felt vindicated in my foresight, well done me for planning! I still couldn’t work out what the conversation was going to be about.
His face visibly fell a fraction, the smile remained but the eyes seemed to suggest a silent expletive. He asked me a few more questions to confirm what I had said.
He apologised and hurriedly ended the interaction - I can’t remember the exact words - but the general jist was you could have saved us both half an hour if you had thought to mention this.
Remembering this made me think: sometimes an interaction can look like a conversation, all the signs are there, but are we both actually sharing any new information?
How do you know you are having a conversation?
Is it a conversation?
Sometimes it is worth asking yourself, is this a conversation?
What are the signs that this is a conversation?
Are we taking turns to speak?
Who is doing most of the talking?
Is the person who is not doing the talking showing signs of engagment? Are they just being polite? Are they waiting patiently to state their case? Are they preparing to fire back?
Also on a deeper level ask yourself do I want a conversation?
If so, consider how will I invite a dialogue and support this conversation?
If not… ask yourself what is it that worries me about hearing other perspectives? Is it fear of the time it will take, fear of being “derailed” or something else entirely? This might be a question to reflect on.
Beyond active listening
We are encouraged to lean forward, nod, smile and mutter “hmmms” and “ahhs” as part of active listening. These visible skills are important, but what are we really listening to and for?
Listening is a complex skill, it involves being open to a wide range of information, discerning what matters and why. Our conversation partner also needs to know we are listening for what’s important to them.
During a conversation
We are listening to our concerns, our agenda, out intended outcome.
We are (hopefully) listening for our conversation partner’s concerns and their agenda
We are (again, hopefully) listening for an opportunity to bring these together to achieve an outcome acceptable to both.
However we might be (and often are) listening to unrelated issues which might include time pressures, personal hopes and fears, previous experiences and future worries. Our conversation partner has their own version of these concerns.
Its a wonder we hear each other at all!
What we decide to listen to and how we demonstrate our listening will have a big impact on the outcome of the conversation.
How you are listening to yourself? It may sound strange, but naming our feelings and considering how they may impact the conversation can be helpful in planning how to get the best outcomes .
What thoughts and feelings are you bringing to the conversation? How might they impact the conversation?
You may be excited or pleased to deliver good news. You deliver this with a smile (“Good news, all the tests were negative!”) whilst your conversation partner is left feeling confused (“What does that mean you think I’m lying?”). Are you ready to respond to the difference in perspectives?
You may be frustrated at having to repeat a conversation (“I’ve explained this so many times…”). Recognise and address your frustration ahead of time, if not your conversation partner will definitely pick up on it.
This might be a sign that you need to take more care to make sure this discussion meets your conversation partner’s needs and your frustration doesn’t get in the way.
“I’d like to start by hearing what you understand about … and then I can fill in any additional information…”
They may also be frustrated at being asked to repeat themselves. Naming this can help. You might start with more curiosity about where they are with the subject.
“I am aware you have had this discussion a few times, sorry to go over things again, this is to make sure I have the facts right…”
You may be saddened about the news you’re about to deliver. Take time to recognise this, even considering what about this situation has particular meaning for you. Sharing this with a colleague, no matter how briefly, can help you mentally prepare. You can decide to have the conversation in the best way possible for a difficult situation.
You may be thinking that this is a run of the mill discussion and take a business like approach. Are you able to notice if new concepts are overwhelming to your conversation partner?
Consider being intentional about recognising your thoughts and feelings, and how these might impact the conversation.
Think about how you will look for and respond to your conversation partner’s perspective.
Responding to feelings with facts
Its very tempting to respond to emotions especially negative emotions with facts
“I feel ignored, like nobody in this place cares, nothing has been done…”
“Well, actually, I can assure you someone has reviewed you every day, with daily updates…”
Taking a moment to acknowledge the emotions expressed is another way to show you are really listening to the meaning behind the words.
“I feel ignored, like nobody in this place cares, nothing has been done…”
“Im really sorry to hear that, has anything in particular happened to lead you to feel this way…?“
Some skills to keep us on the same page
Starting at the beginning, introduce yourself and your agenda (where your thoughts are coming from) and then ask your conversation partner about theirs.
This is especially helpful in family meetings
Don’t say “You remember me, I see you every day!”
Newsflash, the person you’re talking to sees multiple faces every few hours!
Share your agenda “Today we are having this meeting, or x has arranged this meeting so that we can discuss y”
Gain their agenda “Before we go on can I check if there was anything you wanted to make sure we cover?”
If its related to the meeting plan great - you’ve started off well are already aligned
If it isn’t you now have a choice to make - is it important that this is addressed right now (the meeting will not progress without it). Or is it something you can address outside the meeting - if so thank them for raising it and suggest a time to talk in more detail about that specific issue one-on-one
You might add a screening question to be sure you ahve captured the issues “Is there anything else you wanted to raise...”
Some skills to help us listen
Go beyond active listening by using a micro-summary
“What I’m hearing is you experienced x and y and this left you feeling z have I got this right?”
Before launching into explanations take time to acknowledge the impact, respond to the emotions
“I can imaging that might feel frustrating / confusing / upsetting / … were there other concerns that came up for you?”
This actually helps us listen, and pause before launching into solution mode. It may allow greater understanding and open up more possible solutions.
Think about adding these questions early in the conversation
Ask-Tell-Ask is another communication microskill especially useful for explaining new information. combine this with Asking permission to move the conversation forward.
“Is it ok if I explain what I understand about what happened…?” (Ask Permission)
“ Well (one or two facts with meaning) …” (Tell)
“Was this something you were aware of?” (Ask)
These are just a few of the ways we can keep the dialogue going. There are many more that can be explored in communication skills training.
Over to you
In your conversations this week, and especially for your next team meeting or family meeting
Does everyone know who is in the room?
Does everyone know and agree on the agenda (i.e. why are we all here, what are we discussing)?
Do you notice how people use the communication skills to invite others in?
Do you notice any opportunities that are missed?
What you can you add today to make sure you are having a conversation?
