What’s there to learn about listening anyway?
Surely, you are either listening or you’re not, you pay attention or you don’t. Could listening be more complex than this?
Whilst we mostly think of listening as being linear (superficial vs deeper) it’s the quality of our listening which can have the most impact on how successful the conversation is.
This post explores how listening can affect whether we achieve what we hope for in conversations and interactions. Have you had any of these experiences?
Listening on autopilot
You’re there, in the middle of the conversation making eye contact, murmuring agreement (just like you’ve been told to do) then the jarring comment comes “Are you even listening?” And you have the immediate thought “Of course I’m listening! I’m here aren’t I?!”
You’re in an online meeting and a familiar topic is raised “Today we are talking about…” And before the sentence is finished you relax into your chair and begin to zone out. You think ”This again? Covered this already…”
You’ve started a discussion, it went well initially, but now it’s getting a bit heated “No, no no!” you think to yourself “That’s not what I meant at all!” and you prepare yourself to explain for the third time…
Are you sometimes listening on autopilot?
Our listening includes more than the experience of the conversation in front of us. We are constantly listening to our own concerns, our past experiences, our urgency, our fears for the future, our perceptions, preconcieved ideas and our biases. Our conversation partner is competing with all of this for our attention. And this constant background listening affects all of us. It’s a wonder we ever hear each other!
Some tips on listening
Reflecting on how we listen is useful, particularly because when we miss crucial details our conversations take longer.
The relationships we need for tricky conversations can be damaged if our conversation partner feels misunderstood.
Similarly, the trust we need for complex decisions can be affected if we appear inattentive. Here are some tips on listening.
Listen for concerns, and respond
The discharge plan has been completely sorted, all that is left is to call the relative.
“You’re sending them home too early!”
This exclamation could reflect anything from fear, anxiety, distrust or simply issues with scheduling (“I don’t finish work until 3pm, and I want to be home when they arrive”).
On hearing an emotion or a concern, notice and respond to it. Rather than explain all the facts and reasons why the discharge is at exactly the right time, take a moment to ask
“It sounds like you have worries about discharge, could you tell me what’s on your mind?”
And again listen to the response. Its only in this way that you’ll know if this is a simple timing issue or is something deeper about the anxiety associated with an unpredictable illness course.
Listen for understanding
Follow up with
“So if I understand correctly, you’re most worried about… have I got that right?”
This is checking for understanding or looping for understanding, and will let your conversation partner know that they have listening for what concerns them.
It's important that the person doesn’t feel they are under the spotlight so take the responsibility for understanding onto yourself
“Can I check I’ve got this right?”
This conversation might be different…
Late into your weekend shift you receive a page, on answering the voice on the other end says “…this patient is too agitated, they need to have something for it right now!”
As you launch into your discussion of medications as a last resort you hear a sigh. “Hmm” you think “Odd” as you press on with your explanation for what seems like the 5th time today.
We see many patterns repeating in the course of our care that it's easy to hear a few key words and assume we know exactly what the concern is. We launch into explanation or solution mode and risk missing the unique concerns of the person in front of us (putting my hand up for this one!)
Take a moment to find out the concerns about this specific situation. This may or may not change your approach, but will definitely give the other person a sense of being heard and recognised for their concerns.
“Could you tell me what’s happening at the moment and what you are most worried about?”
Listen to how you’re being “listened to”
So you’ve tried to explain, and you’ve tried again. Now on your third attempt you, and they, are getting frustrated.
Sometimes getting through is not about using the perfect phrase or combination of words. Instead, we need to pay attention to how we are being listened to. Is the other person distracted, deep in thought, in pain, frustrated, confused, unconvinced.
Again, if it's not going well - notice the cues, stop early and explore.
“I can sense that maybe I am not explaining this clearly”
“Sorry, can you tell me what understand so far?”
“Can I try that again?”
Again taking responsibility for the disconnect (“Can I do this better?”) helps to maintain the relationship needed to keep your conversation partner engaged.
“It look/sounds like you might not agree with that last statement, could you tell me what you think about…?”
“What are your thoughts on…?”
Ask yourself what is this conversation really about?
Disagree thoughtfully
Having a difference of opinion? Are you clear about what the other person thinks? Is there any common ground?
Sometimes we are listening only to reply (or even to reload and fire back our opinion), we latch onto inconsistencies instead of our common points, in the end no one is convinced of the other’s position and now there is a distrust which will affect the next conversation.
You may think you know exactly what they are going to say, but you could be surprised. Pause a moment to find out. And in that pause, commit to paying more attention - is there something you are missing? You already know what you think the crucial missing piece is what your conversation partner thinks.
Even if you still don’t agree it will have been a better experience for both of you, and maintain the relationship for your next discussion.
Try replacing “Well, actually” with or
“So if I understand what your saying is…” or
“You may have a point there…” or
“I’ve not considered that before, let me have a think about that…”
Listen to your listening
For a few hours, or during a meeting or even just your next conversation take a moment to think about one or more of these questions.
What is this conversation really about?
Am I distracted at this moment?
(Sometimes acknowledging this can help us be more present)
How loud are my own concerns (in my head)?
Does the other person know I’m listening? How can I make this more clear?
And finally…
After you listen, follow through with any new options you’ve discussed, new information you’ve gained or new perspectives you’ve learnt. Listening should lead to action, whether it confirms a current plan or leads to a new one.
For more reflections on listening:
Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg
Listen: How to Find the Words for Tender Conversations by Kathryn Mannix
Listening for Candor: Building Trust in Relationships that Matter by Peter Yaholkovsky
